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The Unconventional Guide to Work

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The Ten Commandments of Office Kitchens

Forget parenting, politics and religion … nothing divides the ranks in an office like the kitchen. From disappearing lunches to disappearing coffee cups, the kitchen is where battle lines are drawn … and no one is immune.

If you’ve had to empty an overstuffed dishwasher for the last time, or noticed your colleague has created a modern abstract art installation out of dirty coffee cups at his desk, you know the time has come. You’ve got to get biblical about this. Here are ten commandments that can serve as guidelines for all staff sharing a kitchen.

1. Thou Shalt Label Your Food Accordingly

Why? If someone steals your sandwich, at least they know who to send the ransom note to.

I like to use a flag with a little custom-designed logo for my own country (Stefftopia) on it. If Imperialism taught us anything, it’s that there’s nothing that stakes your claim on a piece of territory like adding a flag. Eddie Izzard agrees [NSFW].

2. Thou Shalt Wash Your Own Dishes

Unless your office employs a dishwasher fairy. Do you have a dishwasher fairy? You’ll recognise her because she has wings and a scrubbing brush as a wand. No? Well, then get scrubbing. It’s not hard.

3. Thou Shalt Not Horde Coffee Cups

We are not Vikings in need of protecting our treasures from dragons. There are plenty of coffee cups for everybody. At least there was enough until you built a small fort around your computer monitor.

Just use one cup and then wash it. (see above).

4. Thou Shalt Chew At An Appropriate Volume

If you insist upon interrupting my delicious lunch with constant MUNCH CRUNCH SLURP of your own mastication, then I am going to insist on joining you to start a Blue Man Group-style percussion group. So you’d better be able to drop it like it’s hot.

Or better yet, close your mouth.

5. Thou Shalt Inform the Appropriate Authority The Moment Vital Supplies Run Low

What if there was a zombie apocalypse and we were trapped in the building for weeks on end and we had no milk for the coffee because you used the last bit and didn’t tell anyone? The zombies would devour us, that’s what would happen.

I’m going to let them eat you first. No hard feelings, but I don’t do black coffee.

6. Thou Shalt Not Discuss the Negative Effects of Micro-waves On The Human Body While I’m Reheating Last Night’s Chicken Korma

Science proved that shit false years ago.

7. Thou Shalt Not Take Food That Isn’t Yours

If you do, at least have the courtesy to leave some in return. Their homemade salmon patties and organic kale salad for your soggy egg sandwich? How could they not appreciate THAT.

8. Thou Shalt Not Leave Passive Aggressive Notes

We’re all adults here. If someone is stealing your lunch, then set up a security camera, find out who it is, and then approach them in the hall and say, “I know what you did. I know all about it.”

MUCH more entertaining.

9. Thou Shalt Not Ignore the Dishwasher

It is not a dalek. It will not assimilate you. All it wants is to be emptied.

10. Thou Shalt Bring Cake

The breaking of any of the above commandments will be instantly forgiven in the cake ritual. During this ritual, the offending employee brings along a cake to share (any flavour is fine, as long as it’s chocolate). 

Again, Eddie Izzard demonstrates the effective use of cake in the Church of England (who must have a great office culture :)) [NSFW]:

What are the kitchen guidelines at your office? Do they work effectively?

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